If I Looked Behind Me
by pokeitlikejello
Summary: Scully reflects on parts of her life and past actions. Spoilers for the series, basically.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own The X-Files nor the characters. I make no money off of this.**  
Author's Note:** This fic takes place a few weeks after the series finale.

* * *

She was always taught to love her neighbor, to treat others how she wanted to be treated, to turn the other cheek. It was easier to believe in that when her world still made sense.

They had taken things from her. They had taken people from her. People they had no right to take. Her sister, her daughter, her son. They had killed the people she loved, they made her life unsafe, they made her make decisions she wished she never had to even consider.

It had worn her down slowly. She tried not to think about it. Not think about Melissa on Christmas, not think of Emily in the mornings when children were heading to school, and not think of William at night, when he was being put to sleep by a couple she would never meet.

Mulder was with her again, as if it was some saving grace. There were times she thought she was going to lose it. The time he died and she attended his funeral and she went through the motions and emotions, only to get him back. That was hell.

But, he was with her. It was easier to be without him when they decided together he should go into hiding. It was easier because she knew where he was, she knew how to communicate with him. And now he was back with her and they were keeping low to avoid any trouble, which led to lots of time to think.

Scully was sitting in the motel armchair, turning her gun over in her hands. She could hear the shower running and she drew in a deep breath. She wanted to call her mother. It had been a little over a month since she had spoken to her and she really missed hearing her voice. But, calling meant jeopardizing their safety, so Scully stayed off the phone.

She was beginning to think that everything they fought for, everything they had tried to accomplish meant nothing at all. She had Mulder, but over the years, she had lost _so much_.

She wouldn't give up. No, not with him by her side, not after what they had learned, what they had seen, what they had both lost. But, it was difficult to move on from where they were, to keep going after the truth and exposing it. However, she knew that she didn't put everything on the line only to back off later.

Scully was in this since the very first time she followed after Mulder, ever since she first caught herself believing his theories. She was just as invested as him some nine years later. She was in this with him and the only way she'd ever leave him was if her heart stopped beating in her chest.

"What are you doing?"

Her eyes went to the open bathroom door. Mulder, in his pajama bottoms, was surrounded by the only light coming into the room. She could see the fogged mirror behind him and the scent of soap wafted toward her with the steam.

"I was just thinking," she answered.

His gaze lowered to the gun in her hands for a moment before rising to her face. "About?"

"My mother," she told him flatly.

Scully looked away and placed her gun on the table beside her. Mulder made his way over to the bed and sat down on it, only a few feet from her. He waited for more from her, knowing there would be more.

Mulder knew her body language by now. He knew what her body was telling him when she wouldn't voice it. Her shoulders were hunched and she wouldn't look at him for more than a few seconds. This meant she was in her own head and it wasn't full of good thoughts.

"Were the sacrifices we made... were they worth it, Mulder?" she asked, but refused to look at him. "Do you think..."

Mulder leaned toward her and placed his hand on her knee. She lifted her head and brought her tear rimmed eyes to meet his.

"I don't think we can know the answer to that yet," he said gently. "If you're having doubts about this, Scully, I wouldn't be upset or offended if you decided to go back home."

Scully shook her head. "Back home to what, Mulder? I'm not leaving you. I've—we've—lost so much already. I'm not losing you again."

She wiped the tears from her eyes and vowed not to cry for the rest of the night. She gave a small shrug and locked eyes with him.

"I was just thinking," she went on. "About Melissa, Emily, William. Your father, your mother, Samantha. Byers, Frohike, Langly." Scully paused as her tongue ran over her dry bottom lip. "We've lost so much and we keep fighting. We'll keep doing this until we can't fight anymore."

"Until we won't need to," Mulder replied. "There are more answers out there. There is more truth to be found. We'll find it one day and won't need to do this anymore."

"I used to think we lived in a world where things made sense." She shook her head again. "I think I just need to go to bed."

Scully stood from the armchair as Mulder nodded in agreement. He went to the bathroom and put on his tee shirt. Once Scully was in bed, he turned off the bathroom light and joined her. He was on his side facing her; she was on her back, staring up at the ceiling.

"I miss them," she said softly. "And I miss what I could have had. I just think that..." Her voice trailed off into a quiet breath being drawn in. "Which is ridiculous because she was never mine... how can you mourn a child that's..."

"I know you loved her," Mulder replied, wanting to comfort Scully's thoughts. "But, what she was—"

"Was mine," Scully cut in. "She could have been mine. With William. But, I chose otherwise."

Mulder lightly ran his finger over the back of her hand. "What happened to Emily was not your choice."

Scully locked eyes with him. "But, what happened to William was."

"You protected them both," Mulder pointed out. "Like a mother does for her children."

She looked back up at the ceiling and pulled her hand away from Mulder's. Scully shook her head ever so slightly as she cursed the tears that began to form again. She blinked them away before she spoke.

"They were never suppose to be mine, Mulder. No matter how much I still wish they were or try to convince myself otherwise." She drew in a sharp breath. "Emily was born to die like she did, and William was suppose to serve some alien race. I really had nothing to do with any of it."

"But, now William's going to grow up being a safe, normal child," Mulder reminded her. "You couldn't save Emily, but you saved William."

"I hope so."

Scully fell silent and turned onto her side toward Mulder. He reached an arm out to draw her closer into him. She stared at the fabric of his shirt.

"The world just doesn't make any sense," she said.

"It will one day." He kissed her forehead. "Everything will fall into place. Even if it's only for a little while."

"I want to believe you, Mulder."

Scully pressed her lips to his for a brief moment before bringing her head down to his chest. Mulder ran his fingers gently through her hair. She let her eyes fall closed as she said a silent prayer to St. Anthony, to help her find all that was lost.


End file.
